crime_and_ink | Mix: Fractures (Supernatural, Underneath Your Skin, Gabriel.)

Title: Fractures
Rating: PG-13
Genre and/or Pairing: Gen, with a few hints of Sam/Gabriel.
Spoilers: Up to the fifth chapter (the most recent one) of Underneath Your Skin. Spoilers are in brackets and have to be highlighted to be seen.
Warnings: Contains mentions of a psychiatic disorder (dissociative identity disorder) and child abuse.

Notes: Zip includes the cover art, the lyrics without the notes and all the tracks.

01. Counting Crows – A Murder of One

( The song that gave the fic its title, as well as Gabriel trying to put his life together.)

There's a bird that nests inside you

Sleeping underneath your skin

When you open up your wings to speak

I wish you'd let me in

All your life is such a shame, shame, shame

All your love is just a dream, dream, dream

Open up your eyes

You can see the flames of your wasted life

You should be ashamed

You don't want to waste your life

02. Don Henley & Bruce Hornsby – End of the Innocence

( Sort of a pre-fic song that slides into the fic because Gabriel, Balthazart, Castiel, Luc and Michael were left with Zachariah by their father, who told them that he'd come back but never did.)

With mommy and daddy standing by

When "happily ever after" fails

And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales

The lawyers dwell on small details

Since daddy had to fly

...

The lawyers clean up all details

Since daddy had to lie

But I know a place where we can go

And wash away this sin

03. Goo Goo Dolls – Acoustic 3

( I usually think of this as from Kindle, Gabriel's therapist's, point of view. She can tell when Gabriel's avoiding the point and knows why he does it. There's also a little bit of Sam in here as well, because he knows what it's like to feel abandoned, albeit not to the extent that Gabriel and his brothers do. From the Loki angle, it applies to his relationship with Kali.)

They painted up your secrets

With the lies they told you

And the least they ever gave you

Was the most you ever knew

...

They press their lips against you

And you love the lies they say

And I tried so hard to reach you

But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you

When the world gets in your way

What's the point in all the screaming

You're not listening anyway

04. Lifehouse – Simon

( The almost constant abuse took its toll on Gabriel and eventually resulted in Loki taking over whenever it got too much, and later the Trickster.)

'Cause the weak will seek the weaker

Until they've broken them

Could you get it back again

Would it be the same

Fulfillment to their lack of strength

At your expense

Left you with no defense

They tore it down

...

Locked inside the only place

Where you feel sheltered

Where you feel safe

You lost yourself

In your search to find

Something else to hide behind

...

You don't know why

They had to go this far

Traded your worth for these scars

For your only company

Don't believe the lies that they told to you

Not one word was true

You're alright, you're alright,

You're alright

05. Fuel – Haemorrhage (In My Hand)

( Gabriel searching for the reasons and memories, but he knows that there are important events that he needs to know about, while Loki doesn't particularly want Gabriel to find out what's happened and why.)

Memories are just where you laid them

Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead

What did you expect to find

Was there something you left behind

Don't you remember anything I said when I said

Don't fall away

And leave me to myself

Don't fall away

And leave love bleeding in my hands

In my hands again

06. Hydrovide – Killer Inside

( Loki takes over when it gets too much, and he'll do whatever he had to in order to protect Gabriel.)

It's a messed up world

Please deliver me

From this mess that I've become

Messed up world

You could teach me. You could save me.

Sending chills across my skin

When i hear you whisper

Beckoning what sleeps within

Speak to me

07. Radiohead – Jigsaw Falling Into Place

( Gabriel now knows why he's got all those gaps in his memories, although he doesn't know what happened, and he's always aware of the possibility of Loki or the Trickster surfacing and taking over.)

The walls abandon shape

They've got a Cheshire Cat grin

All blurring into one

This place is on a mission

Before the night owl

Before the animal noises

Closed circuit cameras

Before you're comatose

Before you run away from me

Before you're lost between the notes

The beat goes round and round

The beat goes round and round

You never really got me there

I just pretended that I had

Words are blunt instruments

Words are a sawed-off shotgun

...

Jigsaw falling into place

There is nothing to explain

You eye each other as you pass

She looks back, you look back

Not just once

Not just twice

Wish away the nightmare

Wish away the nightmare

You've got it on you, can feel it on your back

It on you, can feel it on your back

Jigsaw falling into place

08. Nirvana – Dumb

( The Trickster's probably the alter who ended up living most of what could be thought of as a normal childhood while Loki handed the abuse and Gabriel was trying to keep himself and his brothers together. For the Trickster, it's all about the fun, no matter how temporary it is.)

I'm not like them

But I can pretend

The sun is gone

But I have a light

The day is done

But I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb

or maybe just happy

Think I'm just happy

My heart is broke

But I have some glue

help me inhale

And mend it with you

We'll float around

And hang out on clouds

Then we'll come down

And have a hangover

09. Garbage – When I Grow Up

( Possibly the only thing Gabriel, Loki and the Trickster have in common is the desire to, at some point, to have a normal life, even if Gabriel doesn't think it's possible and Loki initially only sees most of the negative parts. Mainly a Trickster song, but there are shades of Gabriel and Loki in it.)

When I grow up, I'll be stable

When I grow up, I'll turn the tables

Blood and blisters on my fingers

chaos rules when we're apart

Watch my temper, I go mental

I'll try to be gentle

When I grow up, I'll be stable

When I grow up, I'll turn the tables

When I grow up...

When I grow up...

When I grow up, I'll turn the tables

Don't take offense, better make amends

rip it up to shreds and let it go

10. Suzanne Vega – Blood Makes Noise

( After the worst beatings and in the hospital after the stabbing, although this could apply to any times that Gabriel had ended up somewhere without knowing how or why because Loki or the Trickster's been in control.)

I think that you might want to know

The details and the facts

But there's something in my blood

Denies the memory of the acts

So just forget it Doc.

I think it's really

Cool that you're concerned

But we'll have to try again

After the silence has returned

Cause blood makes noise

It's a ringing in my ear

Blood makes noise

And I can't really hear you

In the thickening of fear

11. Amanda Palmer – Runs in the Family

( Aside from the DID, Gabriel's completely healthy, but it's hard to feel healthy when you don't know who you're going to be tomorrow. His relationship with his brothers (particularly Luc and Michael, whom he had little contact with and who don't know about the diagnosis.) and the people who took them in is strong, but that doesn't mean that he wants them to know. He can't really escape Loki of the Trickster as they're parts of him, as well as the marks that have been left by the traumatic experiences in his past.)

Well, I'm well, well I mean I'm in hell, well I still have my health at least that's what they tell me.

If wellness is this what in hell's name is sickness?

But business is business and business runs in the family.

...

Mary have mercy, now look what I've done, but don't blame me because I can't help where I come from.

And running is something that we've always done well and mostly I can't even tell what I'm running from.

Run from their pity, from responsibility.

Run from the country and run from the city.

(I) can run from the law, I can run from myself.

I can run from my life, I can run into debt.

I can run from it all, I can run til I'm gone.

I can run for the office and run for the cause.

I can run using every last ounce of energy.

I cannot, I cannot, I cannot run from my family.

They're hiding inside of me.

Don't change my life.

Help me if you might but just don't tell my family.

They'd never forgive me.

They'd say that I'm crazy.

But they would say anything if it would shut me up, shut me up, shut me up,

12. John Rzeznik – I’m Still Here

( Loki and the Trickster have experienced a lot of things that could have or should have been Gabriel's, but Loki always wanted to have more or a normal life, while Gabriel wants his life back.)

And what, do you think you'd ever say?

I won't listen anyway

You don't know me

And I'll never be what you want me to be

...

And how, can you learn what's never shown?

Yeah you stand here on your own

They don't know me, cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real

Wanna touch things I don't feel

Wanna hold on, and feel I belong

And how, can the world want me to change?

They're the ones that stay the same

They don't know me, cause I'm not here

13. Placebo – Meds

( People who knew Loki and the Trickster (including Luc's friends) spoke to Gabriel quite often and we usually confused when he didn't know who they were. They tended to wonder if there was something wrong with him, and in the present day in the fic, Gabriel's supposed to be taking medication.)

I was alone, falling free

Trying my best not to forget

What happened to us, what happened to me

What happened as I let it slip

I was confused by the powers that be

Forgetting names and faces

Passersby were looking at me

As if they could erase it

...

How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me

And the consequences

I was confused by the birds and the bees

Forgetting if I meant it

Baby, did you forget to take your meds?

14. A Perfect Circle – The Outsider

( Loki's creation and then surfacing when there's the possibility of a threat, and Gabriel learning slowly becoming aware of why Loki behaves the way he does. Loki doesn't care about anyone but himself and Gabriel, and wonders why Gabriel tended to throw away every chance to escape Zachriah's abuse to go back to his brothers.)

Help me if you can

It's just that this

Is not the way I'm wired

So could you please

Help me understand why

You've given in to all these

Reckless dark desires

You're

Crying to yourself again

Suicidal imbecile

Think about it

Put it on a faultline

What'll it take to get it through to you precious?

I'm over this

Why do you wanna throw it away like this

Such a mess

Why would I wanna watch you

Disconnect and self-destruct

One bullet at a time

What's your rush now

Everyone will have his day to die

15. Lifehouse – Eighties

( Gabriel deciding to try to get past his childhood, go to college and then going to therapy, telling Kindle the truth and getting to know Sam and the others.)

Step outside the shadows of your cage

Strangled truth, stolen youth

is written on every line of every page

It's your story - do you want it back?

You have to decide if it is worth it

Swim across the swamp to the other side

Run until you're out of breath and when you look back they'll be nothing left but a memory fading quickly

It could have been easier than this

If you threw it all away, what would you miss?

It could have been too much of a chance to take

The silence in your head would have to break

Your grip is slipping faster

Looks like you'll have to face yourself after all

16. Lifehouse – Crash and Burn

( Even if he fails, at least Gabriel's going to know that he tried.)

If I fall and crash and burn

At least I know you’re by my side

As I crawl past lessons learned

They remind me I'll survive

I've been hurt and I've been scarred

At least I know that I'm alive

And If I fall and crash and burn

At least we both know that I tried

DOWNLOAD HERE